Letter to you on your first birthday

My sweet, smiley, bright eyed, determined, snuggly, last baby.  You have been through a ringer this year. You did not get the happy, easy first year of life I had imagined. You did not get to nurse until you decided you didn't want too. You did not get a mom who was healthy. You got a mom who was diagnosed with cancer months after you were born. I had to emergency wean you and your brother, which broke my heart and was a HUGE adjustment for you.  I thought we would not have the same bond JB and I do and I was so wrong.  It's so much the same as it is different.  You got to experience everyone in your life who loves you more than life, every day 24 hours a day.  Your brother may have had a boobie for his first year but you got a whole lot more love thrown at you!  It was still quite a year! You had to spend the night away from mama before I or you were ready on multiple occasions due to me being sick or in the hospital. You went to MANY doctors appointments with me. You did not have the same Mom JB did. I raised my voice more than I cared for. I apologized more times than I could count. I forgot things, rushed things, didn't take you places.  It was a hot mess of a year!

Through ALL of this, you stayed happy. I got a month and a half of being your healthy Mama, and tandem nursing you and your brother, which was such an amazing experience. You are such a bright eyed, beautiful baby boy. Your love for me is so apparent. As soon as you see me, you start running with this beautiful smile and this sweet happy giggle. Oh how I love it. You love your daddy and brother, but you really love me. You curl up on the couch with your brother and I and snuggle like you are a big boy.  You use me as a recliner on a regular basis. You snuggle your head in when you give us hugs!  It is an amazing feeling!  You really show your love!  You love to babble REALLY loudly, and love waking up to see me and your brother. Your face lights up and you give me kisses.  You jump off the bed to play with the kitty then climb back on to get snuggles. If you are wanting daddy, you wake up and start calling his name, crawl off the bed and go to find him.  You do NOT take no for an answer. You are very clear about what you want and will grunt like an ape until someone gives it to you or something else catches your eye. If you are tired, you bring me your bottle, climb in bed or the couch, snuggle up, drink and go night night.  You are one sweet hunk of meat!  You smile with your whole body!  you always have!  It is amazing to watch!  You always share your food with others. You love your brother and always want to be with him even when he is being mean amazes me. You are an old soul. I love watching glimmers of your personality come through. Your giggle makes a bad day disappear. I love picking you up after work!  You stop what you are doing to come see me!  I am so thankful I am your first love!

Your life has been so different than your brothers.  In a way, that is good. Your path will be your own. You are your own person. You are this bright light on a gloomy day. You kept me fighting, every.single.day. to stay alive and with you. All so that you will grow up and know me personally and not as stories people tell. I have endured more hell this year, than I ever wish on anyone. I gave birth to a beautiful side ways, LARGE baby boy who got stuck after he finally decided it was time to come out, with no drugs. To being poked, prodded, cut on, pumped full of toxic drugs, having to emergency wean my babies and oh my boobies ached, and then were taken.  My heart broke over and over again, as I went through each trial and made a different sacrifice or choice,  to be there for you and your brother. I never want you to grow up with out me. I want to see you grow, as you are such an amazing, smart, loving, beautiful, boy. Through all of that, i got to wake up to your smiling face. That sweet, sweet, smiling face!

You are my last baby, my sweet little hunk of meat i didn't even know I needed in my life. You complete us. You make this family whole. Sometimes I wonder what you would have been like had you been a McKenna Riley, but I am so thankful, you are you!  You are so special and are meant to do great things in life. You are so tenacious!  So full of joy, determination, and love!  Oh I hope you have a very happy birthday and 2nd year of life!

Mama, Daddy and JB love you more than life!

Happy Birthday chunky monkey!
Love
~Mama